Be curious. Not judgemental.
Lessons from Ted Lasso
“that your spirit grow in curiosity, that your life be richer than it is, that you bow to the earth as you feel how it actually is, that we—so clever, and ambitious, and selfish, and unrestrained— are only one design of the moving, the vivacious many.”
― Mary Oliver, A Thousand Mornings
A few weeks ago, I started watching Ted Lasso. Ted is a mid-western football coach that goes to England to coach football (soccer). It's truly a delightful show.
Ted finds himself (Season 1, Episode 8) in a dart contest with the disgruntled former owner of the team. In that scene, we learn the philosophy that Ted lives by, which is: be curious, not judgemental. You can watch it here. (Go ahead; it's only 4 minutes and 14 seconds. I'll wait)
Be curious. Not judgemental. My son loves that scene, especially the moment when Ted reveals he is left-handed. It crackles with energy and possibility and demonstrates why curiosity is an important trait and state of being.
I have been pondering those words: be curious, not judgemental. I was interested that curious and judgmental were paired together as opposites. I don't think of curious and judgment as counter-points to each other. I grabbed a pen, wrote both words, and thought about each of those words' essence, energy, and posture. I got curious about curiosity and judgment.
Curious:
Questions
Open
Wide-Eyed
Interested
Sense of movement
Judgemental:
Answers
Closed
Narrow-eyed
Rightness
Rigid
It surprised me as I started to write the list. Judgment is about answers rather than questions, it’s about rightness, rather than interest and it does feel rigid rather than open to movement. Judgment is a defensive posture. We use it to feel safe, to assert, and maintain power. Ted Lasso through season 1 (all I’ve watched so far) shows the disarming power of curiosity and open-hearted living.
"Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn't be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort."
-Brene Brown Atlas of the Heart
Curiosity is a posture of vulnerability. It can become confusing when I start asking questions, holding ideas loosely, looking to the sides, and widening my gaze. It can (and often does) lead to discomfort. When we start to pull on strings, there is no telling what we may unravel.
I like to pull on strings and ask why. And while I do find myself on wild rides, I would never go back. Each string I've pulled and idea I have questioned, after the bumps, slides down cliffs, and forging raging rives (all symbolic, of course), the meadow that I arrive at is spacious, free, and lush.
Ted Lasso embodies what it means to live curious, not judgmental. He lives wide-eyed, open, and kind. People misjudge and mischaracterize him all the time. It takes courage to live curiously. In a culture and world that is surer than sure, the softness and openness of a curious person can feel weak and threatening at the same time.
What would happen if we adopted Ted's motto? What if, instead of judging, we were curious?
In a world that values certainty, knowing, and rightness, may you be curious. May you be open, wide-eyed, and interested in ideas and beliefs that challenge you. May you ask questions. May you be Ted in a world of Ruperts.
"The trick is to just follow your small moments of curiosity. It doesn't take a massive effort. Just turn your head an inch. Pause for a instant. Respond to what has caught your attention. Look into it a bit. Is there something there for you? A piece of information?" (Elizabeth Gilbert)
Be curious. Like Elizabeth Gilbert advises follow a small moment of curiosity this week.
Michael, Davin, and I had our March Haiku chat this week. You can see our haiku offerings here and watch our video. I learn something new every time we have a conversation. This month we cover watchmakers and time, breath and hope-virtue. (This is a conversation and practice of curiosity!)
I try to pay attention to words or phrases that stand out in my reading and listening. There is a spiritual practice called Florliledgium that collects short, interesting pieces {words that “sparkle” up} and puts them together. This is kind of like that. Watching for things that sparkle. Gathering them and seeing how they work together and what message, mantra, or new idea might arise.)
A Practice:
Read slowly.
Notice if a word or phrase stands out to you.
How do the words make you feel?
Is there an invitation?
(I’m sharing the lines that stand out to me in these passages in italics. Maybe it’s the same, or perhaps it’s different. There is much food for thought in each of these passages)
"We are not consumers. For most of humanity's existence, we were makers, not consumers: we made our clothes, shelter, and education, we hunted and gathered our food.
We are not addicts. "I propose that most addictions come from our surrendering our real powers, that is, our powers of creativity." We are not passive couch potatoes either. "It is not the essence of humans to be passive. We are players. We are actors on many stages…. We are curious, we are yearning to wonder, we are longing to be amazed… to be excited, to be enthusiastic, to be expressive. In short to be alive." We are also not cogs in a machine. To be so would be to give up our personal freedoms so as to not upset The Machine, whatever that machine is. Creativity keeps us creating the life we wish to live and advancing humanity's purpose as well."
― Matthew Fox, Creativity
“It starts by forgetting about perfect. We don’t have time for perfect. In any event, perfection is unachievable: It’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death. The writer Rebecca Solnit puts it well: “So many of us believe in perfection, which ruins everything else, because the perfect is not only the enemy of the good; it’s also the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun... The most evil trick about perfectionism, though, is that it disguises itself as a virtue.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
This Poem Should Be a Circle
by Mark Nepo
I wish you the ability to breathe
after pain, to begin again, though
nothing else seems possible.
I wish you resilience: to part like
the ocean and accept like the sky,
to be held like a root.
I wish you survival: to take in life
like a trapped miner finding an
airhole and praising it as God.
I wish you courage: to ask of
everything you meet, “What
bridge are we?”
I wish you chances to listen:
to all that holds us up.
I wish you the-kindness-that-you-are
coming to brighten your face
like orange leaves scattered
at the end of fall.
I wish you endless journey that
seldom appears as we imagine.
I wish you curiosity: to make a
boat of wonder and an oar
of gratitude.
