“For true success, it matters what our goals are. And it matters how we go about attaining them. The means are as important as the ends. How we get there is as important as where we go."
— Old Tim Morris
I didn't set out to be a golf mom. The fact that I have a son who is athletically inclined and very (very) competitive really blows my mind.
I once had a neighbor spend more time than necessary explaining how surprised she was that my brother had any athletic ability. Because, you know, judging on my athletic skills, she didn't think he would have any chance. Being a sports parent just wasn't a thing I ever even consider.
Now, I have a 13-year-old who fell in love with golf at five. May thru October is organized around competitive golf. All year involves the question of "Can you take me to the golf course?" I'm careful not to tell his story; it's his story to tell. But, I can tell my story of being a golf mom. It's a deep, transformative journey that I would never have predicted would be this way.
Two days of Spiritual Director training launched this golf season, followed up an hour later by a golf tournament, and it's literally been non-stop since then. I think starting from a posture of learning has caused me to be more intentional about looking for the lessons this year. My transformative invitation as a mom is separate from his transformative path as a player.
Stay on the cart path.
Each week when we get the tee times for tournaments, it comes with paragraphs of information. It always includes the line: "Where provided, spectators MUST stay on the cart path or in the rough…."
Cart paths provide directions on the course, they set boundaries between the holes, and they are removed from the tee box, fairway, and greens. As parents, our job is to do just what the cart path does: provide direction, set boundaries, and stand out of the way when they play.
All those things sound so easy, but of course, in reality, they are so, so hard!
Supporting my son is the easy part. We muddle through and follow the way of the cart path. We have a good team including a wise coach who helps us navigate a world that we don't always understand. Direction and boundaries are sometimes the easy part. Staying out of the way and letting him play is easy. He knows just what to do. I know how to support and challenge him. And after all these years, I know he is resilient, and even on bad days, he has the power and desire to use disappointment as fuel.
In the Rough.
Here is where the profound transformative power of golf starts to unfold. The rough refers to the thick grass on the sides of the fairways and greens. In the rough, for me is learning how to navigate all of the other families and parents. It's not as straightforward as I thought it would be.
I've realized this season that the adage that what bugs you the most is what is in you, is all too true. (Sadly and much to my disappointment!)
I came to understand this through the back door, really. I had to sit down with my journal to get there. Sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see. In the stress and drama of dealing with other families, I had to see where my better self was and where my shadow self was. I had to look at the things that were triggering me and the things that didn't. I realized that the things that bother me the most are in me; they are what I would do (and sometimes do) if I'm not paying attention and aware of my "better angel" and "not-so-shiny-self." I've seen some shocking reactions and actions on the golf course, and if they aren't already in me, the actions aren't upsetting; they are just sad. When I recognize an action or reaction as competitive or passive-aggressive, I'm triggered because I know that I could easily be doing that if I don't watch myself. The things that really bother me are what it would look like if (or when) I act out of my shadow, insecure self rather than my whole, confident self.
This is the lesson: self-awareness. Checking my actions and reactions for my whole self rather than my shadow self.
A few weeks ago, I sat down with my journal and made a list of who I am (or who I hope I am) and what I want to leave the junior golf world with. There are lots of subtle pressures and politics. After a particularly stressful week and watching people we really like being hurt, I had to take a time out and just re-center. It's just a game. But this is also the transformative path that my family is on.
This was a small thing. I spent maybe 15 minutes with my journal, just making a list and answering a few questions:
Who am I as a golf parent?
What is our family known for? What do I want our family to be known for?
When I look back on this intense season, what do I want to remember and my kids to remember about the lessons we learned and the transformation we experienced?
It was such a helpful exercise, I was able to get out of the muddle of my mind. The act of writing down the answers to the questions brought clarity that really helped me switch from the reactive mode I was stuck in. The lists reminded me that I can be intentional about my actions.
It can go both ways, toward deep, profound transformation or towards indulging our lesser angels. I've seen it go both ways. I've also seen people indulge their small, shadow selves and then make it right. Make the apologies, put themselves in time out, and come back better. It's all possible.
Not to be overlooked a good playlist. Mine includes Taylor Swift’s “You Need to Calm Down.”
What are the questions you need to be asking yourself about the transformational path in your own life?
Take 15 minutes and answer those questions. Make a list. (I'm a big fan of doing this with a real pen and actual paper. You need to process it through your body and see it in writing. It's way better than just thinking about it!)
I'm marking this summer as pre-list and post-list. It didn't take long, but the act of taking time out to look around see where I was being reactive and refocusing so I could be proactive and deliberate has made all the difference.
Some questions to get you started:
What IS my current transformational journey?
What do I hope the end looks like?
Who do I want to be in the middle of this journey?
Who do I want to be when I reflect on this journey in the future?
What is really triggering me, and where do I see my shadow self/lesser angel popping up?
Where is my better self/higher angel, and how can I make sure I'm staying in that space?
Who do I need to talk to?
Just Finished
The Book of Lost Names by Kristin Harmel
I loved this book. It was a 4.5 star read for me. It's the story of a young Jewish woman who uses her artistic ability to forge travel documents for Jewish children and families so they could get out of France. It's based on actual events in a small village on the French/Swiss border that produced travel documents to save hundreds of children. I was surprised to find myself tearing up when I finished this book.
The Chilbury Ladies Choir by Jennifer Ryan
I loved this book too! It was another 4.5-star book. It is the story of women in the town of Chilbury who figure out how to survive in the difficulties of the early years of World War II in England. It's about women finding their voice, finding confidence and courage. There was a bit of a mystery in the book. It was written in the form of letters and journals. I loved the off-beat way the entire story was told.
A book I can't stop thinking about:
The Archer by Paulo Coelho
My son (the golfer) and I read this last winter. I started it and knew it was a book that he needed to read with me. It's an allegory, inspirational, challenging, and oh, so wise.
(I try and pay attention to words or phrases that stand out to me in my reading and listening. There is a spiritual practice called Florliledgium that collects short, interesting pieces {words that “sparkle” up} and put them together. This is kind of like that. Watching for things that sparkle. Gathering them and seeing how they work together and what message, mantra, or new idea might arise.)
A Practice:
Read slowly.
Notice if a word or phrase stands out to you.
How do the words make you feel?
Is there an invitation?
(I’m sharing in italics the lines that stand out to me in these passages. Maybe it’s the same, or maybe it’s different, there is much food for thought in each of these passages)
All of the quotes this week are from The Archer by Paulo Coelho. I couldn’t choose just one and there is so much wisdom here.
"Your allies will not necessarily be the kind of dazzling people to whom everyone looks up and of whom they say: 'There's none better.' On the contrary, they are people who are not afraid of making mistakes and who do, therefore, make mistakes, which is why their work often goes unrecognized. Yet they are just the kind of people who transform the world and, after many mistakes, manage to do something that can make a real difference in their community."
― Paulo Coelho
"Use your bad moments to discover what makes you tremble. Use your good moments to find your road to inner peace. But do not stop either out of fear or joy: the way of the bow has no end."
― Paulo Coelho
Join with all those who experiment, take risks, fall, get hurt, and then take more risks. Stay away from those who affirm truths, who criticize those who do not think like them, people who have never once taken a step unless they were sure they would be respected for doing so, and who prefer certainties to doubts.
Join with those who are open and not afraid to be vulnerable: they understand that people can improve only once they start looking at what their fellows are doing, not in order to judge them, but to admire them for their dedication and courage."
― Paulo Coelho
"The arrow is the intention. It is what unites the strength of the bow with the center of the target. The intention must be crystal-clear, straight, and balanced. Once the arrow has gone, it will not come back, so it is better to interrupt a shot, because the movements that led up to it were not sufficiently precise and correct, than to act carelessly, simply because the bow was fully drawn and the target was waiting. But never hold back from firing the arrow if all that paralyzes you is fear of making a mistake. If you have made the right movements, open your hand and release the string. Even if the arrow fails to hit the target, you will learn how to improve your aim next time. If you never take a risk, you will never know what changes you need to make. Each arrow leaves a memory in your heart, and it is the sum of those memories that will make you shoot better and better."
― Paulo Coelho
