The Smaller & Deeper Practice of Discernment
Recently, my husband and I went to hear Nadia Boltz Weber speak. Nadia is a Lutheran pastor, author, prison chaplain, and founder of House of All Saints and Sinners in Denver. She is currently doing a “Red State Revival Tour.”
We sang the old hymns I grew up singing in my rural Idaho church: “Amazing Grace,” “I Have Decided,” “Balm in Gilead,” and (of course) “Jesus Loves Me.” We also learned a new (to me) song: “Come, come, Whoever You Are,” which we all sang in an a cappella round. (This is my new favorite song.)
One (of many) takeaways from the evening was a set of simple questions Nadia uses daily as a part of her daily discernment practice.
Nadia’s daily discernment questions are:
What is mine to care about?
What is not mine to care about?
What is mine to do?
What is not mine to do?
What is mine to say?
What is not mine to say?
I’ve never considered the need for a daily discernment practice. It felt like an invitation to playfully explore these six simple yet powerful questions.
On my morning walks, I’ve been asking myself, “What is mine to do today? What is not mine to do today?” (and the other four questions as well!)
I listen for what springs to mind and don’t dwell too long on each question. Sometimes, the questions, more than the answers, hold the grace I need that day. The practice of asking the questions reminds me that my resources (time, care, focus, attention, etc.) are limited, and that’s okay. There is grace in the questions. Simply asking reminds my body, soul, mind, and spirit that, despite what culture and every article, list, GIF, and post says, I don’t have to and can’t care about everything. These simple questions remind me that all is not mine to carry, care about, manage, or engage with.
Discernment means “to judge well” (dictionary.com) or the quality of being able to comprehend what is obscure (Merriam-Webster) or a wise way of judging between things, or a particularly perceptive way of seeing things. (Vocabulary.com) I’m finding myself drawn to using the word discernment over decision-making. Discernment feels gentle, deliberate, slow, wise, and kind.
The invitation discernment offers is to slow down, look for all the factors, and listen to what the body, culture, wisdom, and grace are whispering. Discernment listens to what is just under the surface. Shifting my language from decision-making to discernment changes the energy of the process. Instead of wrestling a difficult question to the ground, overpowering it with factors, ideas, and suggestions. I’m slowing down, holding the question with more curiosity and expectation. I’m working with the challenge, rather than trying to manage it.
Recently, my 14-year-old daughter had a decision she felt she needed to make. When she realized she needed to make this decision, we talked about her feelings and why she thought she might need to take a different path. We discerned together what she needed to notice.
If she was feeling nervous and anxious about the opportunity because it was new, exciting, and a bit scary, that’s normal and wouldn’t be a reason to say no; if anything, it would be a reason to reaffirm her yes!
On the other hand, if what she felt was her body, mind, spirit, intuition, and/or God whispering, “This isn’t for you, it’s not in alignment with who you are,” that would be entirely different.
She waited, watched, and noticed her feelings, and came to me after several weeks and said, “It’s not for me.” She discerned that what she was feeling was not nervous and excited anxiousness about a new opportunity; instead, it was her deepest knowing letting her know she was moving out of alignment with her wisest, most authentic self.
The slow, deliberate, thoughtful discernment process gave her (and me) the gift of clarity. When she became clear, she knew with confidence what was for her and what was not. She knew what she needed to say, what she needed to do, and what she wants to care about and give her energy to going forward.
Adopting the word discernment has allowed our family to engage in large and small decision-making with a different energy, stance, and expectations.
A daily discernment practice is a smaller and deeper practice that gifts me with the grace to say no, not yet, “that’s not mine to do,” and to say with confidence, yes, I can, I will, I care deeply about that, and I’ll give my energy and attention.
Perhaps you, too, need to practice daily discernment with Nadia’s questions or questions unique to you. (I would love to know what your questions are—share in the comments!)
A Blessing For Discernment:
May you judge well.
May your eyes, ears, mind, spirit, heart, and soul be open to “comprehend what is obscure.”
May you find an “especially perceptive way of seeing” the challenges, possibilities, and opportunities your life offers daily.
May you discern well.
Consider what needs discernment in your life.
What are the questions you need to ask?
How can you slow the process down?
Consider taking up your own daily discernment practice.
What questions will you ask?
When will you ask them?
If you have ever done any hill-walking, you will know how it feels when the fog comes down and you can’t see a step in front of you…. A wise walker, lost on the mountains, will turn to the compass when this happens, and for the inner journey there is a compass too. It is the tool we might call discernment. Discernment grows out of the habit of reflecting on our daily experience and noticing the points of consolation and desolation – seeing each day where God is active in our lives and making choices in line with the deepest centre of ourselves...
- Margaret Silf, author of Inner Compass
The following selection of quotes is from Discernment by Henri Nouwen. Read each quote slowly, notice what sparkles-carry that word or idea with you through the next week, and discern what it offers you to learn.
“Divine guidance can be found in the books we read, the nature we enjoy, the people we meet, and the events we experience.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life
“When I relate to my past with remorse, shame or guilt, the danger is that I will harden my heart and be unable to discern the divine presence within and without. When my heart is hardened, it is closed, unavailable, and cold. A hardered heart is a heart in which remorse has turned into morbid introspection, shame into low self esteem, and guilt into defensiveness.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life
“Kairos means the opportunity is right. It is the right time, the real moment, the critical event, the chance of our lives. When our time becomes kairos, it opens up endless new possibilities and offers us a constant opportunity for a change of heart. The events of life-even such dark events as war, famine, and flood, violence, and murder-are not irreversible fatalities but rather carry within themselves the possibility of becoming a moment of change. To start seeing that the many event of our day, week, or year are not in the way of our search for a full life but rather the way to it is a real experience of conversion.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life
“If we are patient, we can look at all the events of each day, expected and unexpected, as holding promise for us. Patience is the attitude that says we cannot force life but have to let it grow in its own time. Patience lets us see the people we meet, the events of the day, and the unfolding history of our times as all part of that slow process of development and final liberation.
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life
I love this Amy. This is so practical. I love the phrase "it was her deepest knowing letting her know she was moving out of alignment with her wisest, most authentic self." Something to hold onto.
I had this list of questions written down a while ago but misplaced! Now, thanks to you, I’ve added them to my 2025 journal. Great practice I need to return to … now more than ever.